Mixed Feelings

We are having a bassinet shower for Esther and so we have been getting things out of the closet in the garage to get it together. It was pretty easy to get the bassinet out but when setting it up we figured out that we were missing some parts so today I went into the closet to get the rest of it and started going through the boxes that our parents put together of Keagen's stuff after we got back from El Paso. It is kind of bitter sweet. I want to get excited and pull it all out and start setting things up but at the same time it was all bought for my son and I lovingly put it all in his room for him to come home and enjoy. It feels so wierd looking at it all again. We had Keagen set up as a sports boy and I am kind of wanting to take a different direction with this one. I don't have as many clothes as I thought. I will have to good through everything to see what I have in case people ask if I need anything but I know I will say CLOTHES!! Anywho I think I have been starting to feel the baby move especially when daddy holds my tummy!!! I can't wait to find out the gender and start buying even more =)

A few fears...

I have been dealing with alot of fears lately. I am still excited but some of those fears are coming up. One of them-I keep watching Esther and she is on her third pregnancy as am I (which sounds really wierd) and yet she has two healthy growing children as her proof! I am scared that once again I am going to be the one that goes through yet another pregnancy only to lose my baby. I don't EVER want Esther or anyone else to have to go through what we have been through I am just tired of it happening to me!! I don't think I could handle it again!!! I am anxious about tomorrow I have another ultrasound and blood work as part of my first trimester screening. I want the ultrasound to make sure everything is okay and that the baby is healthy but I am also concerned. I am always worring that I will do something to screw this up and my mom says that is because I still blame myself for Keagen's death. I know that I still feel guilty about my Dad having to lose his mom and his grandson on the same day but I didn't think I was still feeling guilty about Keagen's death even though guilt does come up sometimes but I try to deal with. I am praying that this baby will be alive and healthy and that we will get to bring it home and raise him or her with God's help!!