Monday, November 9, 2009

A few fears...

I have been dealing with alot of fears lately. I am still excited but some of those fears are coming up. One of them-I keep watching Esther and she is on her third pregnancy as am I (which sounds really wierd) and yet she has two healthy growing children as her proof! I am scared that once again I am going to be the one that goes through yet another pregnancy only to lose my baby. I don't EVER want Esther or anyone else to have to go through what we have been through I am just tired of it happening to me!! I don't think I could handle it again!!! I am anxious about tomorrow I have another ultrasound and blood work as part of my first trimester screening. I want the ultrasound to make sure everything is okay and that the baby is healthy but I am also concerned. I am always worring that I will do something to screw this up and my mom says that is because I still blame myself for Keagen's death. I know that I still feel guilty about my Dad having to lose his mom and his grandson on the same day but I didn't think I was still feeling guilty about Keagen's death even though guilt does come up sometimes but I try to deal with. I am praying that this baby will be alive and healthy and that we will get to bring it home and raise him or her with God's help!!

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