21 wks

I will be 21 weeks tomorrow which is also the 1st day of 2010-the year our little one is to be born! I am really praying and looking forward to a safe delivery and bringing my baby home! When we were home for Christmas I got to hold Aspen and be with her alot and she has captured my heart like none other! We got back here and all I can think about is being back home with family! At church last night Ellie was fussing so I got her out of her carseat and she just wasn't as cute as I remember her being! I am now comparing every baby to my cute little niece and they all just aren't adding up! I feel really bad about that but I can't explain what that little girl did to me that has changed me so much! OH! and to watch Alyssa!! She is so real!!! There is nothing fake about her. She doesn't look at life through rose colored glasses but she isn't negative either. Besides David she is my best friend and I am so grateful to have her as a guide and a friend as I get ready for our little one to come. I really hope that we get to find out what the gender is! I can't wait to meet our little one and be able to have one of our own like everyone else! Bad I know but true! I don't want to ever forget Keagen but it will be nice to finally get to bring home our baby and love it with all the love that I know we posess.

18 wks

Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks and am finally starting to feel movement! Good movement! tuesday was amazing because I was laying there listening to the baby's heartbeat and I felt the baby move as we heard it kick the doplar! Can't wait for my next ultrasound. I have only gained a pound but I am finaly starting to feel like I am growing. I knew this day would come but I really haven't been looking forward to gaining any weight. I have done really good so far and I want to work really hard at not gaining more than I have to. Just wanted to update how things are going. I am always tired and like last night I slept really good but by ten this morning I was ready to go back to bed! The midwife said that i will most likely be tired my whole pregnancy if I am still tired at this stage... =( I wish I had the energy back! Oh well that means that my baby is taking energy which means it is growing so that is good. We get to find out the gender within the next couple of weeks hopefully!! I can't wait to see if we get another boy or a little girl =) Can't wait!

Aspen

My niece Aspen Adelle Banning was born 12-4-09 at 3:09 am (CT) weighing i at 7lbs 1oz and 19 1/2 inches long. I have been so excited and now I am getting in trouble for being excited! Out of all the people on both sides of the family (besides my mom) Alyssa has been the only one who has consistently reached out to me through everything-making sure that I am okay and if I need any questions answered. I hate the feeling of needing extra attention when it comes to my pregnancy but it is what Alyssa has given to me and we have drawn very close. In fact she is the sister that I never had. I have close friends like Becca and Esther and I am getting there with Tabitha but Alyssa hasn't given up on me and she understands David. She is willing to back me up even when things don't make sense. This is also my brother's first baby-it is very exciting to me because I see families and that special relationship that they have especially between aunts/uncles and the nieces/nephews and I have longed for that. I have tried with Rebecca and her kids but every time I turn around Melissa is there trying to take over and control the kids. It gets frustrating! I am the only Aunt that Aspen has and I intend on capitalizing on it. My brother will spoil my kids and I will spoil his. He is the only brother I have and I want to keep that relationship strong not only between us but also between our kids and us. It makes me to finally start getting excited about having our own. If Alyssa can do it after everything with Keagen, so can I!! Thanks Alyssa for being a great example!!!

Mixed Feelings

We are having a bassinet shower for Esther and so we have been getting things out of the closet in the garage to get it together. It was pretty easy to get the bassinet out but when setting it up we figured out that we were missing some parts so today I went into the closet to get the rest of it and started going through the boxes that our parents put together of Keagen's stuff after we got back from El Paso. It is kind of bitter sweet. I want to get excited and pull it all out and start setting things up but at the same time it was all bought for my son and I lovingly put it all in his room for him to come home and enjoy. It feels so wierd looking at it all again. We had Keagen set up as a sports boy and I am kind of wanting to take a different direction with this one. I don't have as many clothes as I thought. I will have to good through everything to see what I have in case people ask if I need anything but I know I will say CLOTHES!! Anywho I think I have been starting to feel the baby move especially when daddy holds my tummy!!! I can't wait to find out the gender and start buying even more =)

A few fears...

I have been dealing with alot of fears lately. I am still excited but some of those fears are coming up. One of them-I keep watching Esther and she is on her third pregnancy as am I (which sounds really wierd) and yet she has two healthy growing children as her proof! I am scared that once again I am going to be the one that goes through yet another pregnancy only to lose my baby. I don't EVER want Esther or anyone else to have to go through what we have been through I am just tired of it happening to me!! I don't think I could handle it again!!! I am anxious about tomorrow I have another ultrasound and blood work as part of my first trimester screening. I want the ultrasound to make sure everything is okay and that the baby is healthy but I am also concerned. I am always worring that I will do something to screw this up and my mom says that is because I still blame myself for Keagen's death. I know that I still feel guilty about my Dad having to lose his mom and his grandson on the same day but I didn't think I was still feeling guilty about Keagen's death even though guilt does come up sometimes but I try to deal with. I am praying that this baby will be alive and healthy and that we will get to bring it home and raise him or her with God's help!!

Great Day!!

Yesterday we had an ultrasound and followup appt. I haven't gained anything!!!!! I am very excited about that! I am hoping that I won't gain a bunch with this pregnancy and I think that David is hoping so too. He keeps making little comments about watching what I eat and I'm not sure if that is him just being protective and supporting me or if he is really concerned with me getting as big as I did with Keagen and staying big like I did. I don't want to get really big but I also know that, that is part of pregnancy too. I am really loking forward to being able to breast feed. We got to have another ultrasound too. I have thought that this baby might be a sleeper but after yesterday I'm not quite so sure anymore. It was really neat! When she first started the ultrasound the baby was laying on its stomach with its face burried (very cute!) but then she bounced him around a little bit (I am going to call it a him/he until proven otherwise) and he decided to wake up and boy did he wake up!! He started kicking and punching the air and then he did little kickoffs-you like when you put your feet up against the side of the pool and kick off? He was doing that!!! It was so amazing! I jept watching David to see his reaction and even though I know he is scared I did see him get excited and almost wanted to cry. It was just an amazing day! Oh! and I found a changing table for $50 brand new!! and it matches our crib! I almost bought one used for $30 so I think $50 new is pretty good!

10 1/2 weeks

Being pregnant again has been so different than I remember with Keagen. I have more sickness this time-not like throwing up sick but the whole if I don't eat I feel like I will throw up. Oh and my water intake!!! I have drank so much water since getting pregnant!!! I got an ultrasound two weeks ago and the baby moved a little bit but went back to sleep (I think this one is going to be a sleeper). I have my early screening this Friday-the test is for Down's Syndrome, and some of the other birth deffects. I'm not really worried about it, I am just excited to have another ultrasound. I am hoping that this time we get to hear the heartbeat, we got to see it last time but didn't get to hear it. David is really excited! He even has a picture of our little lima bean on his phones main screen. I haven't had the guts to take Keagen off of my phone yet-I don't want to forget him in the excitement of having this one. I am so ready to start feeling this little one move! It felt that at first the pregnancy was dragging but now it feels like it is flying because I just realized that a week and a half and I am at 12 weeks already!!! I need to start taking ictures but haven't had time and with everything with Luke our news has gotten somewhat lost in all the emotions and plans and trying to take care of Becca. I am okay with that but I am ready for people to know, even though I probably won't show until I am more like 6months. oh well it has fun so far =)

Is this really happening?

I wanted to create a blog so that I could write about pregnancy and not be bothered with people telling me what to do and to just get thoughts out. I am scared. My husband is scared. Is this really happening?!? The Friday before Labor Day we got the results of my latest blood work and the Doctor said that my numbers were slightly elevated. I wasn't even late yet!!!! So David and I went to the store and bought two pregnancy tests and I did one Sun morning and Mon morning. The one on Sunday was barely visible and the one on Monday was a little more than Sunday's. I knew that I had to do another blood test and pregnancy test at the doctors on Tuesday so I tried not to worry too much. My number came back Wednesday and they went from 17 to 263 in six days! That is good news for us! My Ob-Gyn wanted me to get an U/S and so we went to Cruces but it was too early to see anything. I was measuring at 5 weeks 4 days which was acurate according to my calculations. So now I am scheduled for another U/S on the 7th and we will finally find out if it is a viable pregnancy or not. Then I will have a real doctor's appt. on the 9th. I pray that it is real and viable and that there is a little person growing inside of me but I know that God is in control if that is not the case. I am excited also and can't believe that I am 7 weeks pregnant!!! I don't want people telling me this time that they are more excited than I am cause it isn't true! The morning sickness isn't unbearable but I am tired of feeling like I either have to eat right away or throw up or feeling like I will throw up if I even think about eating another bite! oh and I am tired all the time. I feel like a whimp but David has been amazing!!!!! I couldn't have asked for a better husband!